so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
