i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
