So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
