Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
