i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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