Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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