i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
