I accidentally burped into my bong.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
