I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize