do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
