At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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