You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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