...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
