my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
