You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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