can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
