weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
