you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
