Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
