I wish my penis had an off switch
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
