He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize