fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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