My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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