3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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