piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
