I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize