my cup is half full, half full of rum.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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