we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
