your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
there's paper in my vomit.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
