I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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