Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
