Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
