just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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