a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Randomize
