Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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