i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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