Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
