Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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