So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
