Redeem this text for a blowjob
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm like, not good at living.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
