3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
