So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
