how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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