I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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