she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
