I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
