Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
