This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize