The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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