I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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