So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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