I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
