If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
