Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
