Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
